I chose Life

 I left my twins dad a few times before leaving him for good because I was not one to give up, he was a good person with a big problem, alcoholism.

 The pregnancy and birth of our twins was a blessing and wonderful experience . We would both talk to them when they were in utero .

 He was in the delivery room and was handed our daughter Jessica when she was born first, they layed her brother accross me when he made his arrival 10 minutes later. Two babies! It was incredible !! We were both so happy and he was a hands on dad from the get go, feeding and burping them,walking the floors and never complaining. But he continued with the drinking in spite of my wishes and demands he give it up for them.

 To not sway away from the story I am going to tell , I will leave our battles and bitter ending to myself .

 When my twins Jessica and John were 18 months old ,I became pregnant again by their dad .I knew right away that I could not handle another newborn by myself with what by the time the baby would be born would be 2 year old twins. They required a lot of attention,we were very close, emotionally,physically and financially and to have another needy newborn would have forced me to spread myself very thin between the three of them.

         I decided adoption from the moment the pregnancy test results came in . I asked my girlfriend who never married if she wanted to adopt but she was employed and did not want the baby raised in a childcare center so she said no. Then I called the Mormon church where I use to belong because they were wonderful people and very loving parents. I no longer believed in the church but I knew my baby would be raised in a Christian Church and be treated well and be loved. I knew I would have no worries when we parted. So, I asked a member if she knew any couple who would be willing to adopt,within a day I got a call from 'D' ( the woman) . We talked for an hour, it was funny how she was trying to sell herself as the future mother of my baby. I liked her and we talked a lot, I accepted her to adopt my baby that would be born in 9 months . We talked a few times a week,she was so nervous,afraid to be excited, afraid I would change my mind . I continuously tried to calm her worries telling her I had my own two babies to care for and they were more than enough . I referred to this baby as 'D' and 'T' ( The couple) I did not bond with it, never called it mine. I would call her and tell her how her baby was doing after my doctors appointments, she had a dream it would be a boy, when the doctors could tell during the ultrasound what sex it was, she was surprised when I called her and told her they were having a girl. To talk to this future mother of my baby was an enriching experience, she was unable to have children and a few adoptions fell thru .I really feel for woman who want a baby so bad and cannot have one. My own sister in law went thru 5 years of fertility treatments and 4 miscarriages before she was able to have 3 children.

       ' D' and 'T' were afraid to buy anything, here I was in my 6th month talking to her just about every other day doing everything I could to convince her I was not going to change my mind. The baby I was carrying was theirs and they would be her parents for life, not me. She finally exclaimed they bought a rocking chair ( sure, a piece of furniture they could use anywhere, what about ' THE CRIB' ?

        All during this waiting, their dad and I were filling out the adoption packets sent to us by their lawyer .So much paperwork but we got it done and returned it. She asked if I could gather photos of all of us to show her daughter someday, she was going to raise her knowing she was 'chosen' by them so I decided to make a scrapbook instead. Loading it with pictures of her siblings, their father and me, poems, letters etc. it was great fun to make it . Got it done in time.  Well, my water broke about 2 weeks before due date, my mom was still at work so I walked around with water being released everywhere, finally my mom arrived to stay with the twins and her husband took me to the hospital . I called 'D' as soon as I got into the predelivery room and we talked thru the long impossible 12 hour labor, they gave me pitocin to bring on labor and nothing was happening . I was nasty and complaining loudly. I think my uterus was so expanded from the previous twin pregnancy that it would not contract hard enough to push this baby out.

          Allthough the babies mom and I formed a great relationship, for some reason she didnt want to be in the room to watch the birth, she said it would have been too emotional .I think she feared once I gave birth I would see the baby and change my mind and she just could not handle it so I told her she may as well stay home until we knew it was coming, she was 45 minutes away .

          So,the time came, they would not give me ANYTHING ,they said it was too late ( I begged for an epidural) when I was admitted and they said it would be given but because of the 12 hour sluggish labor I think they were afraid it would have slowed down progress even more.

          Meanwhile 'D' and 'T' were on their way and I was told of their arrival. They waited in the bonding room. The delivery of their baby was HELL.

 I screamed like I was being butchered alive, a few very bad contractions and one piercing scream by me, the baby came out screaming too. I watched them take her over to the table to check her and clean her, the poor thing was screaming so loud I just asked to hold her . I didnt tell her 'D' I held her until weeks later.

          Got back to my room and showered and their dad showed up for a visit at my home and my mom told him I was at the hospital so he came into the room and the hospital let him sleep on the sofa for the night. When we woke up in the am the nurse brought me a gift from D and T with a beautiful letter attached and I gave the nurse my scrapbook to give to them. They were with the baby already in the bonding room.

           Once I knew they went home I asked the nurse to bring the baby to me .So the nurse came in and left and John and I spent individual time with her ,I layed her on the bed in front of me, unwrapped her to look at her fingers and toes, picked her up and sang songs and a prayer and wished her a happy life. Pictures were taken, then John held her and I left the room after taking a few pictures.

            Then I called the nurse back to take her away, the nurse sat down afterwards and said ' You are allowed to cry' ,I said 'I am not sad, the baby belongs to them, not me, my babies are home' .The nurse was surprised. This event was perhaps the most memorable ,most special event in my life to give the 'Gift of Life' to a woman who wanted so much to have a baby and couldnt. To know I was able to do something like this for a wonderful couple. It made me happy and thankful . We decided she would send me a pic at 6 months and one year , She needed to feel like the babies mother and if I asked for a picture every year, she would be constantly reminded of me, her babies birthmom . She wound up writing those most beautiful letters to me along with the pictures and a picture of Jesus and the children that hangs in her room so I could hang it my twins room.

            This was the outcome of a good choice, LIFE. I have no clue, there is no reason why anybody cannot choose LIFE with an unwanted pregnancy. It takes just 9 months to have a baby and there are so many women unable to have children that would do anything to adopt one .